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No Story? No Problem? Create One!
By JOHN F. KUCZAJ
Sports Illustrated's Rick Reilly gave me the idea.
At first, I looked at his steroid ambush of Sammy Sosa last week just like most people did-I recognized the poor journalism. I saw that Reilly needed to fabricate his own news for a column, so he cornered Sammy Sosa and tried to bully him into doing his bidding. It's odd that Reilly was shocked at Sosa's reaction, but hey, I guess Rick didn't think this thing though.
Anyway.
Upon further review, I saw the genius in Rick Reilly's approach. I mean, here was a guy who was on deadline for a column. He was out of ideas. Had no clue what to write. Nothing juicy was going on. So he figures, "Hey! If I can't find something to report on...I'll CREATE something to report on!" Thus, Rick Reilly concocts a scheme to entrap the nicest superstar in baseball into creating a column for him. Pure genius! I've been badly misinformed that a reporter is not supposed to create the news he reports on. Plus, it's just SOOOO much easier to create the news rather than find it and report it. Rick Reilly is the new Patron Saint of Lazy Sportswriters! Thank you, Rick, for showing me the way. No more will I toil under a promise of "honesty" or "integrity". I now see that those are just words to you, and I am ready to follow your shining example!
Now that I had my new attitude, I decided to follow Rick Reilly's example exactly and fabricate a similar story as his Sammy-steroids story. First I needed the interview. I sent Rick the following e-mail:
TO: Rick Reilly (cnnsi@cnnsi.com)
FROM: John Kuczaj (chicagomuse@hotmail.com)
DATE: July 3, 2002
Dear Rick,
I am hoping you'd respond to some general accusations.
I understand that there are some men in the United States who regularly beat their wives and molest their children.
I want to give you a chance to clear your name.
The best way would be to send me affidavits signed by your wife and kids that state clearly that you do not partake in such heinous acts. Again...I don't believe that you would be involved in that kind of thing, and I'm giving you a chance to clear your name. Just your statement that you are above this sort of thing is good enough for me...but this kind of proof would remove any doubt from the minds of others.
My column deadline is approaching quickly (I'll try to hold Friday's edition if necessary), so please respond as soon as possible so we can remove all doubt that you would be involved in these kinds of despicable practices.
Again, I am 100% sure that you would not do such a thing. You can understand that there are some people out there that may have doubts and I'm giving you an opportunity to clear your name.
Sincerely,
John Kuczaj
Chicago Media Examiner
p.s. I'm trying to be a friend here.
Unfortunately, Rick never responded to this e-mail, so I had to write my article with his "no comment"...
DISCLOSURE: I work in a non-publishing, non-Cubs related division of the Tribune Company. Also, the following article is 100% satire filled with absolutely no truth.
EXCUSE ME FOR ASKING, RICK
It was a simple, straightforward offer to Sports Illustrated lead columnist Rick Reilly.
"I understand that there are some men in the United States who regularly beat their wives and molest their children. I want to give you a chance to clear your name," I asked him last Wednesday via e-mail.
There was no reply from Reilly.
"You can understand that there are some people out there that may have doubts and I'm giving you an opportunity to clear your name." I said.
Still no reply from Reilly.
I told him that simple affidavits signed by his wife and kids would be the best way to remove all doubt.
Not so much as an acknowledgement from Reilly.
I tried to tell him how important I though this was. How some men do these horrible things and that this kind of proof would remove any doubt that he would be involved in these kinds of despicable practices. I told him that I was 100% sure that he would not do such a thing, but that some people out there may have doubts.
No reply from Reilly.
I tried to tell him that I was trying to be a friend here, that no one was accusing HIM, just that some men are guilty, so suspicion falls to everyone.
Silence from Reilly. Was he ignoring me? Was he dodging the question? I can't tell.
The funny thing is, I doubt Reilly would ever do such despicable things. He has never been arrested as far as I can tell. Most wife beaters usually have some kind of assault charge on their record.
But plenty of people wonder: Here's a man who's got a family. He was once a carefree bachelor. Now he's got the awesome, sometimes stressful, responsibility of a family. A very, very, very small percentage of men snap under that kind of stress and do awful things. How are we to be sure which married men are liable to snap?
Maybe Reilly feels he would open himself up to further scrutiny if he responded to the charges. But if he's got nothing to hide, why not?
Maybe my e-mail was not the best way to pose the question, but what's the professional way--getting on your knees and asking him? If he's clean, why wait to prove it? Sports writing is like Ted Koppel's hair. Nobody believes it. I gave Reilly a chance. He didn't take it.
Was that a harsh reaction to Rick Reilly? Depends on your viewpoint. Satire is frequently harsh & offensive. In this case, I went a long way to show that Reilly essentially put Sammy in a box, kinda like when asking rapid questions with "yes" or "no" answers, adding the old "gotcha" question of: "Do you still beat your wife?"
As far as I can tell, Rick Reilly's a nice guy and great family man. He just made an unwarranted attack on Sammy Sosa's integrity. It's a pity that he's unapologetic.
Short Musings
By JOHN F. KUCZAJ
Manager Don Baylor was fired by the Cubs on Friday night. Match up the Saturday, July 6 sports section headlines with the newspapers that ran them:
1. "Don's Done"
2. "Don's Done"
A. Sun-Times
B. Tribune
The Sun-Times has switched their partnership from the Channel 2 news to Channel 32.
No-brainer. The merging of Fox and the Sun-Times begins...
Remember Bill Weir? He was the most entertaining person on Chicago morning news until he left WGN a couple years ago for a job with KABC in Los Angeles. One of the reasons he left was because that deal included a possible syndicated program. For whatever reason, that show never worked out, so Bill shot a pilot for the USA cable network. That show hasn't been picked up, which makes me wonder what Weir's next step will be. He's not the number one sports guy at KABC, his attempts at his own show have not been successful. I just have to wonder if Bill would be open to returning to Chicago? I just have to wonder if a certain station currently producing an unremarkable, bland morning newscast might want to lure back to Chicago a popular and entertaining personality? I just have to wonder how cool it would be to watch a morning newscast anchored by Weir, with sports by Bruce Wolf. I just have to wonder if anyone at channel 32 is trying to improve their foundering AM show.
I'm just wondering.
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