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Greenery
By JOHN F. KUCZAJ
Since the last issue, only two media events have occurred that have made me get off my finely toned butt and write something. One was the September 11, 2002 coverage and the other was Bob Greene. Predictably, I have more to say about Bob Greene than 09/11/02, which only means that I'm more like a mainstream writer then an alt-writer.
Whatever.
Okay, so here are my thoughts on 09/11/02:
- Too much coverage made me feel sad all day, so I mainly watched entertainment programs and the Spice channel...er, I mean QVC.
- CNN attempted to take ownership of the 9-11 victims when they crawled their names. CNN is retarded.
- Funny how no average people died in the attacks...lots of stockbrokers, firefighters & police, but no average people who had low-paying jobs were heroes. Wow, what are the odds?
- Who came up with the bright idea of getting everyone depressed again?
- What will the government do on November 9th for all the dyslexic people who are expecting remembrances?
That's it--I'm tapped out on 9-11. Maybe it's proof that I'm not such a great writer, or maybe it's a mental block. I projectile-vomited my feelings in a brutal rant last year but a year later and I can't seem to get past the blinding rage. Someday.
On a lighter note-Bob Greene resigned from the Tribune.
I love it when hypocrites get their due.
The advantage of being a seasoned procrastinator is that I have been able to absorb a lot of the Bob Greene coverage before writing my own opinion, which is he's a slime and the Trib is better without him (at this point, I'll remind you that I work for a non-publishing division of the Tribune Company).
I was watching football on Channel 2 when Cynthia Santana came on at the half with a newsbreak that Bob Greene had resigned. Wow. What a shock. I rarely ever read Greene's column, and when I do, I'm usually frustrated because it always seems to be "to be continued." I just assumed he either just wasn't a strong enough writer to concisely convey his point in one column or perhaps he just wasn't creative enough to come up with ideas in less than 17 parts.
That night I called my friend, who coincidentally lives in Greene's god-forsaken hometown of Columbus, OH and he was quite jubilant when he heard the news. In fact, he thought it was the greatest news he'd heard for a long time. Personally, I didn't really have strong feelings about Bob Greene, and the fact that my friend passionately hated Greene always perplexed me. His explanation really mirrored the opinions of the legion of Greene-haters, led unofficially by Cleveland-native and Sun-Times columnist Neil Steinberg. One thing that I agreed with was the description of Greene's writing style as similar to pornography. That is to say that everything Greene wrote in his column would lead up to the gratuitous "money shot" at the end. Needless to say, I grasped that metaphor immediately.
Three columns on this whole sordid issue have touched me the most.
First, Neil Steinberg's gleeful account of another woman in Bob Greene's past . As I read the account, two things struck me. First, I could definitely envision Steinberg drooling uncontrollably as a 1970's B-movie "wakka-chikka-wakkka-chikka" soundtrack played in the background while the Cinemax-worthy tale regurgitated from his mind onto the word processor. Don't get me wrong-I enjoyed the story, but the seamy details might have been a tad unnecessary. That having been said, the second thing that struck me was that this woman's husband must be a very trusting person considering she has a history of unrepentant adultery. I mean, it didn't seem to bother her that Bob was married with kids. Why would it bother her once she was married? A relationship expert will say that once someone commits adultery once, they are likely to do so again.
Second, Nancy Nall's web column on September 16th was an entertaining & enlightening take on the story.
Third, John Bloom aka Joe Bob Briggs wrote a very interesting, off-center critique on the coverage in his occasional column for UPI. Yes, I said UPI. Anyway, Bloom's column is very entertaining, though it misses the credibility point a bit. I especially enjoyed his critique of "John Kass, a lesser-known Tribune columnist..." who he says writes in "...the annoying staccato short-paragraph style, which announces, "I'm a straight-shooter kinda guy."
Oh.
I frequently use that kinda style.
I also use an inordinate amount of ellipses...for me they mimic a short pause...writing style mirrors my talking style, so I felt that they added a dimension to what I am saying...but I still think I use them too much...I wonder if Joe Bob would agree...but I digress...
I now know why I've been having such a tough time dating over the last 16 years...I have had to compete with Bob Greene. Hopefully things will become a bit easier from now on, but if I see him at speed dating-I'm gonna deck him.
The main thing I wondered about this issue was what's up with Mrs. Greene? I mean, if Bob's been a womanizer for most of his married life, did she know? If so, why did she condone it? If not, then why would she ever trust him? Bob Greene could get hit by a bus tomorrow and I really wouldn't care much, but I care about the family whose trust he violated again and again and again and again. Did anyone else notice that his statement to AP talked about letting down his readers, but not his family? ("...I am very sorry for anyone I have let down, including the readers who have for so long meant so much to me. Today I need to be with my family and loved ones.")
Telling.
Steve Rhodes was on the O'Reilly factor this week and when Bill finally gave Steve a second to talk, he was able to state the whole point of it all very concisely. Bob Greene wrote many, many, many long, ponderous, flowery, dramatic articles about abused children. Bob Greene took advantage of his position as a media figure to seduce at least two, probably more young adult women despite being married and having children of his own. Bob Greene can no longer throw stones as he lives in a glass house. Bob Greene can no longer be Bob Greene.
Simple as that.
Musings
By JOHN F. KUCZAJ
On Wednesday night, A&E's documentary series "Minute by Minute" debuted a new episode, "The Crash of Amtrak's City of New Orleans." It's a good show on the Bourbonnais train disaster, and features Channel 5's Mark Suppelsa as the first and only TV reporter on the scene! Actually, since Mark was the first guy there, the producers had him re-tell his experience covering the tragedy. Unfortunately, they made it seem like he got the scoop on everyone until the early morning newscasts came on. Oh, well. It's a good show and A&E will be re-running it next Saturday, October 5th at 2pm (CDT).
Check it out.
Phil Rosenthal is harping on Channel 32 about their bumping Seinfeld to 11pm in favor of That 70's Show. A few years ago, 32 made the bonehead decision of dropping the 10pm Simpsons but quickly brought it back thanks to Phil's and more importantly, Channel 32 viewer insistence. At the time, the replacement was bombing in the ratings, but That 70's Show looks to be doing well, so Phil may have an uphill battle. I'd suggest a different tactic. Tell everyone to do what I do and watch the "The Simpsons" at 10, then turn to "Everybody Loves Raymond" at 10:30, then back to "Seinfeld" at 11. If that works and the ratings hammock that 32 set up fails, you can expect "Seinfeld" back at 10:30. Personally, I'd prefer it at 11 because there's nothing else on at that time anyway.
I caught the 5pm Saturday Channel 32 newscast, starring Byron & the Babes (aka the debonair Byron Harlan, the delicious Nancy Pender, the delectable Jill Carlson & the delightful Michelle Leigh). Nice show. They should keep the lineup and promote it as Byron & the babes.
Those of you who receive the CME via e-mail may have noticed that the web site contained an edited version last week. In the interest of full disclosure, I made some edits after some slight inaccuracies were brought to my attention. If not for the fact that I have to edit myself, those errors might have been caught earlier. I'm pleased that the official web archive will contain corrected final versions...and I wish I had an editor.
Stacia Dubin is anchoring Channel 2's 5-7am news? Awesome! Someone worth watching in the morning. Now I can say that the first thing I see when I wake up in the morning is Stacia Dubin.
HUMOR
TOP 10 BOB GREENE PICKUP LINES
10. Would you like help studying for the SAT's?
9. Would you like help studying for the ACT's?
8. Could I see your breasts?
7. Would you like some candy?
6. Would you like some protein?
5. Ever shave an award-winning newspaper columnist's back?
4. You're a good writer--I can definitely see a little "Bob Greene" in ya.
3. Yeah, I wrote a book about my daughter--my FICTIONAL daughter, that is!
2. Hey, you look about my daughter's age--I like that!
1. I'd like to tell you about my next column. How about we go to a motel and I can fill you in?
MORE HUMOR
A recently released national survey of teenagers revealed that 34 percent have had sexual intercourse by the 9th grade, 60 percent by the 12th grade. Surprisingly, after the 12th grade, 17 percent say they have had sex in Bob Greene's motel room.
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